24 Hours.12 Bad Super-Hero Movies.Part 2

Movie #7 – BARB WIRE
10:28pm. This movie positively SCREAMS early 90’s. The opening scene is just plain ridiculous. It felt like a scene straight from Skinamax. What better way to introduce our “hero” than a striptease, water hose and a rock version of “Word up.” Getting to see Pamela Anderson’s nips in the first 3 minutes of the film is pretty awesome (<=this be sarcasm kittlings!). I can imagine all the Baywatch addicts creaming their jeans over this. It also provides an opportunity for Anderson to use her catchphrase (“Don’t call me babe”) right before she pierces a guy right between the eyes with a stripper heel. Hurrah!

Poor Barb lives in a the “free” sector of post-apocalyptic America – refuge for skeeves, criminals, low-lifes and crooked cops. Barb runs a club that doesn’t make enough cash so to keep it open she moonlights as a bounty hunter posing as a hooker. I imagine this is probably where Dog the Bounty Hunter got his fashion sense as leather and silver is the name of the game with our gal Pammy.

This blind dude (yeah! 4th blind person appearance) played by MTV’s Dead at 21 “it” boy Jack Noseworthy hangs out at the bar a lot, and the music slips between a girly goth house band and generic rock spun by a black DJ that is there just to announce when cops are in the building. I seem to have taken the most notes about this movie or more importantly to document the madness that Jacob and I start descending into. We paused the movie several times to act out scenes. While the dialogue was campy and horrible, I have to admit the story was not. It was just far to involved and convoluted for this type of film. This a Pam Anderson film after all – the last thing I was expecting was having to pay attention to a sub-plot.

Another noticeable trait of this film is how Anderson is filmed. In almost ever shot, Pam’s face is rather obscured by volumes of fake blond hair while her cleavage is always completely exposed. Here’s looking at you…boobs. Yes, this movie is a loose Casablanca homage which make it even funnier. Barb is a good girl despite her depraved surroundings and in the end she saves the day. It was more fun to wait for something ridic to happen rather than actually pay attention to the movie. By the end of thisl film Jacob and I were doing congratulatory shots for making it this far in our quest for lameosity.

Jacob noted that this is the only film we watched where the bad guy dies from a fall and not by the hero, (think the original 1987 BATMAN), while there are variations in the other films we watch, this film follows that formula to a T.

12:11AM – While Batman Forever was not really good (Batman Returns wasn’t too hot either) – they had redeeming elements, namely a memorable villain (Riddler by Jim Carrey and Catwoman by Michelle Pfeiffer respectively) – Batman and Robin offers nothing except bat nipples and this alarming piece of dialogue:

“Suit me up Uncle Alfred.” :shudders:

Oh Joel Schumacher, how you do love black lights! They are so prevalent in this movie that I think they should’ve been billed over Alicia Silverstone’s incredibly lazy performance. No worries though – Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze have more than enough chutzpah to propel this movie forward because heaven knows Clooney was leaning hard on his looks in this film.

Oh dear god, the bastardization of Bane is exquisitely awful! The man that broke Batman’s back and known for his self-taught intelligence in the comic books is boiled down to a retarded strongman (more on him later).

While Chris O’Donnell follows the franchise from the 3rd film, it is poor Alfred who died while this film was made that suffered the most. He is given Barbara “Batgirl” Gordon as a niece that arrives randomly and steals motorcycles from Bruce Wayne’s garage for illicit racing purposes. Motorcycle racing with Coolio afforded a virtual blacklight festival for Schumacher. I can see that German goober squealing with delight at the thought of blacklit midget punks with Mohawks! Oh joy!

Let’s get back to the villains. Poison Ivy begins as a homely botanist (homely = brown hair and glasses – damn I just love that stereotype) that is “killed” by her superior after witnessing his master plan to produce “super soldiers” with the use of some poison plant chemical called venom. Hence Bane’s creation, although the reason for his mental retardation is never really touched upon. Ivy ends up being reborn as evil red-headed vixen Poison Ivy who uses pheremones and sex appeal to mesmerize men and super cute little pissing contests/metrosexual fights between the “old married couple” of Batman and Robin. Luckily there is no crying between them; if tears had fallen then I’m sure some poor assistant to Clooney would’ve slipped in the puddle of guy-liner.

Mr. Freeze is Arnold Schwarzenegger doing every one-liner they could think of pertaining to cold, ice, or freeze. If Mr. Freeze is a doctor in this movie – why doesn’t he go by Doctor Freeze? Mr. Freeze can’t leave his ice cave at all (this cave of ice is an exercise in poor scene production – check out the stryofoam given some extra glitter to sell us on the fact that it’s “ice”) unless in his plastic---er, I mean HEAVY METAL ARMOR freeze suit. And since they couldn’t make the suit neon because is obviously needed to be HEAVY METAL ARMOR, Schumacher put a glowing neon plate in Arnie’s mouth just to make sure something on him was glowing.

I’ve seen this movie several times. Hell I’ll admit it: I saw this movie IN the theater. Jacob had never seen the entire film but this really should be required watching for anyone that needs to know why Batman Begins was hailed as such a redeeming film by fanboys and fans alike. Batman simply loses all sense of cool, mystique and darkness when everything he owns is lit up under blacklights in all its neon glory. But let me make this very very clear – STILL BETTER THAN DAREDEVIL. Not a doubt in my mind.

Movie #9 – CATWOMAN
2:21am –I used to tout this as the WORST super-hero movie I had ever seen. I had the pleasure of reviewing it back for one of my old writing gigs, and delighted in making fun of just about every aspect of this film. Then I saw Daredevil…so here’s to mocking the 2nd worst super-hero film I’ve ever seen!

Halle Berry won a Razzie for her turn as Patience Price aka not the real Catwoman so no worries about continuity, origin stories, or anything in the DC Universe that might hinder this interesting take on Catwoman. When I say interesting, I really mean dreadfully annoying. CGI cats bring Patience back to life after her mean bosses try to off her (silly designer saw more than she was supposed to in a lab late one night) and she starts climbing around the head of her couch and sleeping on shelves…because, well…she’s a cat! Duh! She meets some creepy cat lady that tells her all about her new powers and with a hot new outfit and only a little bit of stealing, CGI Halle Berry goes out to avenge the baddies that sought to kill her which turns out to be just one baddie: Sharon Stone with a face that can’t be damaged (yes – that’s her only power).

Benjamin Bratt is in the film as well as Berry’s love interest. That cute boy should’ve stayed on Law and Order where he belonged. While Berry gets props for acknowledging the lameness of this film and accepting her Razzie, she didn’t learn her lesson and has gone on to make several more awful films. None have topped the ridiculousness of this CATWOMAN however. Not yet, anyway.

I have stopped drinking Sparks at this point in our venture due to the heartburn that it started giving me. Honestly I think the only thing I was doing was plodding along with note-taking and constant thoughts of why this seemed like a good idea in the 1st place.

4:14am –This movie suffers under the weight of just TOO MANY. Too many plot lines. Too many villains. Too many love interests. I don’t have much to say about this movie except that Topher

Grace should’ve been in it more, Gwen Stacy seemed like an afterthought, and Stan Lee is in it, where he gets to say his signature “nuff said” to Peter Parker. Bruce Campbell makes his required cameo as a maitre de at the restaurant where Peter intends to propose to Mary Jane but sadly they break up before than can happen.

I can say that I was almost into this movie until the symbiote stuff that infects Peter’s mind also seems to act as a hair gel that pushes his hair forward. The “stride down the street” montage is laughable at best.

Convenient that Topher Grace aka Eddie Brock is in the same church that Peter Parker decides to rip off the symbiote goo from her visage and even more convenient that Eddie is right below him to get soaked with aforementioned symbiote goo.

Trilogies mean bigger, better…whatever. I’m sick of this idea that you need more than one villain when making a sequel. Where is this rule stated and where is the evidence that it works? IT DOESN’T. The straight-up story with Doc Ock from Spider-man 2 sustained the film from beginning to end and made for epic fight scenes unto itself. Throw out Sandman, keep Venom and sure, even keep Harry Osbourne in for the little time that he is a “villain,” – but no need to up the villain ante and hope that something will stick. Nothing sticks in the movie except for Spidey’s webs. J Jonah Jameson (JK Simmons) will forever be the best personification of a comic book character EVER and the best part of this franchise. Nuff said bitches.

7:34am – Morning hath broken, and my will had too at this point. We downloaded a bootleg of this film from the web, and it turned out to be a bootleg with Russian subtitles so that was pretty fun. Sylvester Stallone plays Judge Dredd, the absolute best of the “judges” where crime is sentenced on the street level, no need for pesky due process and all that junk. This movies was made in 1995 which completely amazes me because is looks straight outta the 80’s. I often get this movie confused with Stallone’s other futuristic venture – Demolition Man – but Diane Lane is the naïve counterpart as opposed to Sandra Bullock.

Rob Schneider offers the comic relief but Stallone’s dialogue and dialect alone is comedy enough. The Costumes are straight out of the comic book, although I’m really not sure how much else is. My note-taking gets more erratic and illegible at this point in the game and my only thoughts throughout this movie involve wondering why they gave Stallone blue contacts and Max Von Sydow agreed to be a part of this drivel.

Some psychotic "clone" is released from prison and commits a crime under Judge Dredd's name, driving the plot where our hero must clear his name. Unlike the comic, the faces of judges are shown, and also unlike the comic, a love interest is developed between Stallone and Lane's characters.

Post-apocalyptic worlds is a recurring theme in a lot of these movies. And I’m thinking at this point if I had to pick one post-apocalyptic world to live in I would say “F You!” to all the aforementioned and go look for some nice housing in Blade Runner territory. The clothing is much better in that dystopia too.

And how could I forget - this movie has the immortal "I am the law" line delivered by Stallone in what seems like one syllable of pure awesome!!!!! Best part of the movie. Also, only real part of the dialogue I remember.

9:17am – The homestretch. To start this film was like seeing the end in sight. I could relax in a sense, knowing that after this, the 4th and final Superman installment with Christopher Reeve as the Man of Steel, I would be able to go to bed and say sayonara to every bad super-hero movie that had come before me in this 24 hour period. Jacob and I did our last congratulatory shots of Jack Daniels (Green label) and commenced with the film.

Superman gets all United Nations on our asses and decides to rid the world of all nuclear weapons. Lex Luthor (now with hair! played by almost bald but not quite Gene Hackman) and his nephew take a strand of Superman's hair, attach it to a nuclear missle and let Supes hurl the nuke (and all other nukes on earth) into the sun. Through this catalyst of the sun, the hair, and the nuke, NUCLEAR MAN is born, Superman's evil clone.
Let the battles begin!!!!

Nuclear Man is sustained by the light of the sun or equally powerful artificial light. Superman almost thwarts Nuclear Man by trapping him in an elevator on the moon (doesn't this concept make perfect sense to you?) except a little crack in the elevator provides Nuclear Man enough light to get out of this trap and the clone and Supes duke it out on the moon for awhile. Superman is driven into the ground by the brute force of Nuclear Man, who takes the opportunity for his final evil deed.

Nuclear Man falls for this chick Lacy and kidnaps her and takes her into space (where she can breathe even without air - cool!) - Superman saves her and traps Nuclear Man in the core of a nuclear power plant, puts Lex Luthor in jail, and returns Lacy to earth. All in a day's work for the man of steel.

This movie was just ridiculous. Christopher Reeve helped write it which makes me think that he was trying to push some message about nuclear energy and world peace, but in the end all I saw was a lot of fighting in space and a clone (that was NOT Bizarro) with inexplicable metal fingernails.

And then I went to bed.

What did I learn from this crazy experiment? Well, movies about comic books and super-heroes have no reason to stay true to their roots, creators, original ideas, fans, etc. Hollywood really thinks they can take something that was either well known or well-loved and make it better by tweaking what seems like minor issues within them only to learn that fanboy rage is strong and nitpicking is prevalent in this high-traffic "interweb" world. Sleep deprivation can make a bad movie funnier, but it can't make it better. And in the end, no matter which way you look at it, DAREDEVIL SUCKED!!!!
~Till Next Time Kittlings.

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